Why I will never fall into the trap of perfectionism again…

Last day before a big summer bank holiday weekend- swimsuits, flip flops, everything’s packed. And you get that call. So, ahem, mumble “Dave’s” wife’s gone into labor and I need you to fly with me to Houston Sunday night. No, sorry there is no one I can delegate this too, you report to Jon and you’re my number two. Your husband will understand…he always does. And your nanny- she works weekends, doesn’t she? Just call her. See you at T5.

Cut to the school summer fair. Beautifully decorated cakes all round some of them clearly made by professionals ( by this I mean professional mothers) — yours is a sad little single layer pound cake with pathetic store-bought frosting. Snigger. Whisper… “Not sure why she has an issue baking something presentable, she even has a nanny.”

Cut to Friday. The day starts great you are positive and upbeat- you feel you have accomplished a lot by noon. But then, there it comes. The zinger passive-aggressive email -generally from someone who finds it more convenient to email rather than deliver bad news in person. Somebody, somewhere somehow telling you the proposal you sent, pitched, spent a night on- well, this ISNT GOOD ENOUGH. It’s crappy, even in their opinion. Maybe in the nicest way possible or actually, a lot of the time maybe not. Suddenly your weekend looks unbearable.

We have all been there.

SO, what do you do? Well, I have kind of been there more than a few times. Gone through the motions. Back in the day, and rather early in my career I might have let it upset me, perhaps become quite angry, defensive or taken it personally. And then there were all those thousands of times I would have let it boil inside and eat me up ( without bothering to push back or stand up for myself) to the point at which I cut and recut stuff again and again to “make it” good enough. Or worked all night long on decorating a school fair cake. To the point at which getting a piece of work done had become a self-flagellation device, and I was in a vile mood with everybody and everything and so anxious that I couldn’t make a decision anymore or see anything clearly.

Only slightly so ever self-defeating?

So nowadays, I generally take a HUGE step back. I don’t react. I definitely don’t overwork. I look at the situation through clear eyes because I have decided that I am simply NOT going to let myself react “in the moment”. I generally let it bounce off of me in a way that I wouldn’t have before. This is, make no mistake, a learned behavior, and a deliberate technique. It’s taken a lot of time, focus, practice, and patience with myself to get this right. But when that was done, I found myself in a far more easy, vivid, world where I was free to make my own choices rather than being a victim of other peoples. I was happier, lived more in the moment and ultimately began to think more creatively, openly. I simply did my very best work, both career-wise and as a parent.

And you might be thinking, right about now, what happened? Why? What changed?

And most critically, how did I get there?

Well, what it took was getting to my absolute edge — ie the breaking point to get to this place. That, and surrounding myself with some cool, supportive people who gave me the courage to first, gain awareness of and take responsibility for my own self-destructive behaviors and thought patterns- some of which for me, were set down in early childhood. I had to honestly admit as a direct result of these, I was becoming my own worst enemy. And that I had to commit to making some very big changes, but also smaller ones.

I know many many women just like myself. No matter how talented, how smart, how clever, how hardworking they are — they question their abilities and let criticism get in the way of feeling great every day. Yes because that’s what we have at the end- days- during which you can feel great. Or not. From Sheryl Sandberg to Ariana Huffington who taught us how to Lean in and then to Thrive- I have been there, done that, bought the teeshirt. Read those books to cover. I went to the yoga classes, downloaded the mindfulness app, tried and successfully did CBT, a stint at the Priory.

SO what did I learn? A few things. And here they are.

1. Perfectionists are cowards.

Studies seem to suggest that perfectionistic tendencies can lead to constant disappointment and a high level of stress which increases the risk of burnout and depression. While having high standards is important to success, impossible expectations can prove more harmful than an ability to move past mistakes and learn from them quickly. I have now understood perfectionism in many spheres is largely self-defeating and can often actually create roadblocks to creativity and innovation. The most creative people I have worked with have generally been open to different ways of doing things, supported diverse styles and voices. In my experience, the leaders that are pedantic, close-minded and provide highly regimented limits to how to do things tend to not to have a have motivated teams or b, attract the best talent. Leaders whose fear of failure drives them rather than those that encourage their teams to take risks, fail and learn from mistakes. Look, I am not saying to be sloppy. Everyone knows their version of their best. The important thing is to try your best and be happy with the outcome rather than working to please others and to push back when you need to. And knowing when to “lean out” when you have tried your best. So I am OK with being OK, even if that sometimes means others aren’t. Similarly, negotiating better. I no longer perceive settling for OK on one task to have more time for another as a problem. I try my very best to rank things in order of importance and focus on the ones that make the most impact. Ruthlessly.

2. Putting yourself first

On a similar vein, I now realize that making other people happy or “not letting other people down” is not my full-time job. My boss, my colleagues, my family. These principles apply everywhere. If they aren’t happy with my very best, they will have to live with it, because today, I come first. I am finally on Team Me -I am on my own side. And being kind and supportive to me first is what is essential to my well-being. It took losing my health to understand that my wellbeing and my family and kids come first. Because if I can’t function, how will they? That tempting trip to Houston consisting of back to back meetings — you might have to say NO this time and put yourself first. I suspect somehow, that that’s actually what good leaders do. They set limits. For themselves and for those in their team who they have a duty of care towards.

3. Third. Getting on top of self-doubt.

Negative thought patterns. I have literally turned off the inner voice that says- “you are useless, and not good enough and if it weren’t for plain dumb luck, (and the college tuition money your parents lent you back in 2004), you would be eating out of a garbage can outside the council leisure center”. Again, developing the awareness to understand and weed out negative thought patterns or realize you are catastrophizing has been an essential skill to learn.

4. Fourth. Committing to changes and taking risks.

Make small changes every day: explore and be open to new experiences. Don’t live life on the edges. I realized as I was about to turn 40 that there were a bunch of things I wanted to do but hadn’t done yet. And now I think about how many of those things I want to do as I plan the year- as the main event, rather than “the time off I am allowed” in-between work and running mundane errands. Do I love what I do? Yes. Enough to not take a risk and try something new? Not anymore. With changes and risks, comes growth. The keyword here is change. Change breeds growth and growth is an essential element of happiness.

5. Knowing when to call it a day.

I was raised by two extremely talented hardworking people for whom their work ethic came before everything else- yes a lot of the times before their personal wellbeing and health. I was taught that “tough times never last but tough people do”. I still believe that mantra and I will raise my kids to work just as hard, but up to a point. While it’s as important for me that my children understand the value of working hard, it’s more important that my kids value themselves as individuals. Working hard gets you to a point and physical endurance counts for a lot but it should never come at the cost of your mental well-being. So yes, know when it’s time to go. Sometimes, you simply can’t influence your environment beyond a point. You may be one of the minorities that want a different kind of life or just gravitate to a different set of values. As hard as it may be to quit something we must set our own limits- and if that means bowing out gracefully, then so be it. Your work there, as they say, might be done.

6. Work with people you love

Surround yourself as much as possible with people that are positive about others and that you enjoy being around… people who inspire with their leadership, rather than point out faults. I have very little time for “vampires” as I like to call them, the people who suck energy from teams making them work over and over again with diminishing marginal returns and are often charming yet relentless perfectionists that take but never give anything back, selfishness is their defining hallmark. They generally decline to take the time to coach or do the work and lead by example –and even when you put your best work in front of them you barely get a thank you. These are the real sociopaths, the “sharks in suits” you want to run a mile from, quickly. We’ve all been in bad relationships with men we “cared about” too much. You know, the ones who forgot your birthday and slept with your sister by accident? Same deal. Run quickly in the opposite direction. Same for martyrs and drama queens. I once had a colleague whose boss told her she should be working on the weekends because after all she (the boss) has an 8-year-old child in the hospital and she still had time to check emails at the weekend. Yes, sadly people like this do exist. Given how much of our life we spend at work if you don’t enjoy and share their view of life, question why you need to be spending time with them. I know we can’t pick our bosses, but we all have choices. We can choose to exercise them. See point two above.

Conclusion

Toxic environments? Leave them behind! Poor leadership- lead by example, be the change you want to see around you. Unsupportive bosses- find the right one, one you trust, have chemistry with, has skin the game, appreciates your talent and wants to see you grow. There are people like this, you just need to find them. But if you never take a risk and try something new, you won’t! Try and see the best in people, be kinder, give more, be less critical harsh and judgemental of yourself, and you will become that way with others.

So, are there times I react? Sure. We are all human. But it’s those times that I remind myself that it’s OK to fall back into older patterns and that I am not always in control of my emotions thoughts and feelings. And that this too, is OK.

So no, I don’t “over tidy” the toy cupboard before going to sleep. I don’t care anymore if my inbox is full. I don’t care if the coffee barista messes us my flat white. He’s probably having a bad day. I don’t check and recheck emails before they go out. I SERIOUSLY don’t care if there are a few fonts messed up in a deck or torture myself with the “recall message” function if they are. I have literally unpicked all of these little self-destroying habits. One by one! After all, if you are unhappy, make changes. The definition of madness is doing the same thing you always did and expecting a different result. Take it from someone who was on the verge of madness. And is definitely the better for it.